31 May 2011

Got Paraprosdokian?

Paraprosdokian (noun): Figure of speech in which the  latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected 
...frequently used in a humorous situation.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening... 
but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"If I could say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." — Dorothy Parker

"(He's) a modest man... who has much to be modest about." —Winston Churchill

"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when." —P. G. Wodehouse

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." Emo Phillips

"He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke (on the Duke of Windsor)

"I haven't slept for two weeks... because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg

"There but for the grace of God—goes God." 
Winston Churchill

A few more making the rounds of us commoners, then:

Do not argue with an idiot: he will just drag you down to his level- and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. 
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad..

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I didn't say it was your fault- I said I was blaming you.

Women will never achieve true equality with men until the day comes that they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman: but behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a fuzzy memory.

I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way:  So I stole a car, and asked for forgiveness...

You do not need a parachute to skydive- you only need a parachute to skydive more than once.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I used to be indecisive... but now I'm not so sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila!

Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine.

A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were...

You're never too old to learn something stupid!

Wordnik   Thefreedictionary   h/t Bobbert
Paraprosdokian sentences  Paraprosdokian   
Paraprosdokian sentences  Paraprosdokian   


Anonymous said...

Of course, some of my best friends are Armenian heh

Red said...

Groucho Marx. Ha!

Red said...

P.S. Thanks for the spotlight! ;-)

Matt said...

That's a good one, RR.

Reaganite Republican said...

But I forgot this classic one from Groucho in Duck Soup, what was I thinking-

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas... how he got in my pajamas I'll never know!"

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